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Greek challenge to Ottoman supremacy From David Butler david_a_butler@hotmail.com 21 December 1999 22:59 Victor: Here's my Greek team to face yours: 1. Pericles ( capt, rhb, stolid but high scoring, Has now recovered his self esteem after losing the last World Cup final to Sparta.) 2. Thucydides (lhb, daring and innovative) 3. Alcibiades (dashing and stylish rhb, great fielder, Has played for several teams) 4. Oedipus (rhb, the builder of many innings. Often brings his mother to the match. Or is it his wife?) 5. Xenophon (rhb, stolid and imperturbable. Plays well near the sea.) 6. Demosthenes (rhb, lhb, takes attacks to pieces with a mouthful of stones) 7. Anaxagoras (rhb and rhmb, figures out any attack) 8. Empedocles (the great all-rounder, the Greek Sobers) 9. Socrates ( rhb and lhsb, the inventor of the left hand googly) 10. Aristotle (thinks fast, bowls fast, good hands) 11. Achilles (our match winning fast bowler, when he can be persuaded to play) 12th man: Plato (an ideal substitute) scorer: Euclid (QED) umpire: Dracon (try arguing with him) The manager of the Greek team, Euripides, has asked me to suggest that the From: Vic Forrington The Sublime Porte From: David Butler <david_a_butler@hotmail.com>
Amerinds to re-enter World Cricket From Pat Kemple elpmek@ukonline.co.uk 11 May 1999 10:09 With the recent announcement of the formation of the Ottoman Cricket Team the opportunity at last arises for the Amerind nation to demonstrate their prowess in the field of cricket. The choice of captain is going to be a surprise to many but who can forget the master tactician, whilst only vice-captain at the time completely wiping out the opposition. The Greasy Grass pitch at Little Big Horn gave Gall the opportunity to prove his credentials. Playing against the USA 7th Cavalry led by Custer, very quickly the USA were 200 all out, Red Indians 48 but no-one left to bowl against them. Most critics will agree that Gall’s masterly play in the gully (now preserved on the maps forever as Gall’s Gully) was the decisive turning point of the match. Crazy Horse, war chief of the Sioux, captain of the side at Little Big Horn must be included and knowing the man’s generosity he will not object to Gall taking over the side. Affectionately known in his youth as Curly his vast experience in killing the opposition will surely strike fear into those seeing the distinctive red hawk feather in his hair and knowing the ubiquitous pebble (sic) is behind his ear. In his last game was out KWTTE (killed whilst trying to escape) a rule later rescinded by the ICF Also finally out KWTTE was Mangas Colorado, a Cumanche (sic) warlord who has to be included. Standing at 6ft 7in with a shoulder span of 3ft 6in any batsmen will feel the ground shake as he thunders towards them on his run-up the new ball in his hand. The Cumanche were known to all the other Indians as "the enemy" because they liked nobody. Imagine losing a match to Mangas and being tied upside down to a tree. Not bad so far you may think but having a slow fire lit under your head not so much to burn you alive but to cook your brains slowly. Indeed Mangas has been some say libelled by the tabloid press with claims of cannibalism, unfortunately none of the guests invited for lunch or dinner have been able to come forward to renounce this slur on a true player. Ah – the game has changed a lot, Mangas was also well known for his many scalp tricks – later modernised to hat trick. All true pundits of the game will applaud the inclusion of One Who Yawns of the Apache club. Probably the most able "stayer" in the squad, to the extent he actually died of old age. Playing mostly in South West America he took on Mexicans and the U.S.A alike finally retiring in 1880. Such is his fame that his name became a battle-cry for American Paratroopers as they jumped out of aeroplanes. You can almost hear it now over the noise of the engines the paratroopers screaming "One Who Yawns" as they leapt into the sky. Fortunately for the soldiers our genial player had another name - Geronimo Next on the team sheet is the celebrated leader of the Chokonen band of Chiricahua Apaches. Cochise Spotted Tail -over 30 scalp tricks to his name 10 May 1999 15:55 Dear Sirs Do we take it that the gauntlet is down? A statement from our skipper: ‘I who am the Sultan of Sultans, the Sovereign of Sovereigns, the distributor of crowns to the monarchs of the globe, the Shadow of God upon Earth, the Sultan and Padishah of the White Sea, the Black Sea, Rumelia, Anatolia, Karamania, Rum, Dulkadir, Diyarbekir, Kurdistan, Azerbayjan, Persia, Damascus, Aleppo, Cairo, Mekka, Medina, Jerusalem, all Arabia, Yemen and those other countries which my noble ancestors – may God brighten their tombs! – conquered and my august majesty has likewise conquered with my flaming sword, Sultan Suleyman Khan, son of Sultan Selim, son of Sultan Bayezid, but most of all I am the Supreme Undisputed Sultan Skipper of the All Time Greats of the Ottoman Empire. I look forward to personally disembowelling Gall of the Amerind Nation unless of course my colleague (and indeed Great,Great,Great,Great,Great Grandfather) the Thunderbolt does not behead him first with a Beamer.’ As Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire I will be managing the Ottoman Sultans XI for the forthcoming massacre. I assume you have the very unfortunate honour to take full responsibility for the Amindians. I wish you well for the next world Koprulu
India team to play Ottoman XI From Koprulu 21.iv.99 From our remote diagnosis we believe you to be suffering from Sultans' liver syndrome broughtupon by a series of violent colonial and domestic campaigns and an overly rich diet. We recommend that you become a member of the Ottoman Cricket Society where you can enjoy life as a voyeur rather than a participateur. After all isn't cricket where it all began. From Mark Tully 22.iv.99 I am happy to be voyeur of proposed match between the Ottoman Sultans XI and my Indian XI. First thoughts on team - Curzon captain if he wasn't so damned arrogant. Emperor Aurangzeb opener, good at sweeping away all challenges to his wicket. Monkey God Hanuman would be able to be very useful provided umpires allowed him to play with his club rather than his bat. Hanuman, all rounder good at collecting and throwing missiles. Would like to play Emperor Bahadur Shah Zafar but he was reluctant to come out of pavilion when called upon to play for India in 1857, hence consequent rout of India. My trump card Clive, ace match fixer as demonstrated before Plassey match. Umpire Shep of course. Maybe the Mahatma always keen on reaching for the truth.
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