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Ottoman Sultans’ XI

Now that the need to bring the arrogant Aussies to their knees is paramount, the Ottoman Empire has been re-elected to the International Cricket Congress.

With a squad of 37 to chose from, picking the Ottoman Sultans XI will mean some burning of midnight oil at the Domabahche Palace.

Let’s do the easy ones first. No one will dispute Suleyman I as captain after his record -breaking 36 years at the crease in Constantinople and hugely successful tours of the Balkans, Arabia and North Africa. Known to the crowds as ‘Suleyman the Magnificent’, in the dressing room he is undoubtedly ‘the Law Maker’ and we can look forward to a highly disciplined team effort both on and off the field. With ‘the Conqueror’, Mehmed II, the automatic choice at number four and Suleyman at five, the-mid order is indeed formidable.

Now for some negatives. Although a highly talented and exciting player on the field, the late-night revelry culminating in the drowning of 284 concubines in the Bosphorus during a match is looked upon as unacceptable in these wimpish times, and it is with regret that Ibrahim the Mad will not be expecting the selectors’ call. Similarly Osman the Spineless and Selim the Sot are likely to be sidelined, even though the latter is Suleyman’s son.

However Suleyman’s father, Selim I is sure of his place. Aptly known as Selim the Grim for his ruthless grinding down of the opposition, he will open the batting alongside Bayezid II (called ‘the Saint’, so assiduously does he resist temptation outside his off stump). However, as always it seems these days, number three presents something of a problem. With ‘Grim’ and ‘Saint’ opening, a fearless stroke player is called for, and Selim III will spring to many a mind. Indeed Napoleon, no mean slouch with the bat himself back in his native Corsica, has called him ’the Most Exalted, Most Excellent, Omnipotent, Magnanimous and Invincible Prince’. However to date he has promised much and accomplished little, and should be left out this time.

Instead, Ahmed III should be recalled. ‘Let us laugh, let us play, let us enjoy the delights of the world to the full’ may not be the ideology of today’s professional player, but it is the natural way of ‘the Tulip King’, and long may it be so. We can expect some dashing style when he comes to the crease, and he can be a pretty useful occasional bowler. Ask Peter the Great! He can be tough, too, when the going gets rough. Who will forget the stranglings and decapitations under his captaincy that followed the humiliating draw with Persia?

Now to the bowlers. It is here that the difficulties start and there are few obvious choices. Bayezid I will take the new ball and as always we must expect the unexpected from ‘the Thunderbolt’. Sometimes devastating, but often wild in line and length, he can be equally dangerous to his own side as to the foe. A big question mark concerns his recovery or otherwise from the mauling he received in the Anatolian match from Tamburlaine, batting with a runner. The humiliation of not being executed after the match may still prey on his mind, but such is the dearth throughout the Empire of real quickies, he must play. Similarly, at sixteen stone and requiring a bed eight-foot long, the autocratic but often over-extravagant Abdulaziz must share the new ball. Taking his mother, the Valide Sultana Pertevneyal along as team physio should effectively curb Abdulaziz’s off-field excesses. Even so this potentially explosive new ball partnership has its obvious dangers and must be supported by some steady stock bowling. In this respect the leg spinner, Mahmud II will be required to bowl extensively but conservatively in the opening days. Should the wicket then deteriorate ‘the Enigma’ will come into his own as a potential match winner.

A no doubt controversial selection for the fourth specialist bowler should be Mehmed V. Although physically and morally weakened by excesses of drink and sex and not selected for his first Test until the age of 65, ‘the Benign Dodderer’ at least has had the guts to call for a Holy War. At Gallipoli his ‘rise up and smite the Infidel’ heralded the greatest defensive victory in Ottoman Test history. It’s time to let the old trundler have one last go.

The all rounder spot goes, on a toss up, to Abdulmecid I. Sorry Mehmed IV, and good hunting!

As in all dynastic sides, the out cricket remains a big problem for the Sultans XI. Their hereditary gout makes them slow in the field, while recurrent apoplexy frequently leads to fumbled slip chances. Throwing is generally good however; with ‘impaled by stump’ being a frequent method of dismissal until its recent and infamous outlawing by the infidel-ridden ICC. We must rely therefore on Suleyman’s generalship to ensure our attack bowlers bowl with such ferocity as to make fielding largely unnecessary, while our stock bowlers recognise the constraints of an essentially static field.

We have left the wicket keeper until last. After much heart searching we entrust the task to Murad IV. No doubt his penchant for patrolling the streets at night and strangling passers by at random with his bare hands will cause a disciplinary problem for Suleyman. However think of the hapless batsman facing up to the Enigma on a turning pitch and the Strangler crouched behind the stumps with mighty hands practically round his neck. Case rests!

Warm up match v Old Balkanians

Our selection (in probable batting order):

Selim I, Bayezid II, Ahmed III, Mehmed II, Suleyman I (c), Abdulmecid I, Murad IV (w), Mahmud II, Mehmed V, Abdulaziz, Bayezid I.